Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Most parents have heard that play is how children learn. But in a world full of educational toys (even for babies, preschoolers, and kindergarteners!), enrichment classes, structured activities, and apps designed to make babies smarter, making time for play is harder than it sounds. The pressure to get kids ahead earlier keeps building - and the research that's supposed to reassure us often gets buried under the noise.



Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek has spent more than 20 years studying how children learn. She's a psychology professor at Temple University, a Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, and co-author of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards - just updated for the age of smartphones, tablets, and AI. 



In this conversation, she makes the case that the characteristics that make play so engaging for kids are the exact same characteristics that produce the deepest learning. And she explains why the push to start earlier and do more may be working directly against what parents say they want for their kids.


Questions this episode will answer

Did Einstein use flashcards? Of course not!  The point of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards is that you don’t need to provide direct instruction to young kids for them to be smart and successful. The skills that lead to real achievement - problem-solving, collaboration, creative thinking - are built through active, hands-on, joyful learning, not memorization drills.



What is playful learning? Playful learning is not the same as free play. It combines a clear learning goal with an approach that is active, engaging, meaningful, socially interactive, and joyful. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek walks through what this looks like in real classrooms - and in your own kitchen.



What is an example of a play-based learning activity? A kindergarten class learning about weather by using droppers and water to measure precipitation, then comparing and averaging their results. Another group acting as a live weather broadcast - a five-year-old using the words "high front" and "precipitation" without ever sitting through a lecture. The episode includes several more examples parents can use at home right now.



What's the difference between free play and structured play? Dr. Hirsh-Pasek describes a continuum: free play on one end, direct instruction on the other, and guided play in the middle. Each has a role. The problem is that direct instruction currently dominates, even though children learn far less from it than from active, social, and meaningful experiences.



How do kindergarteners learn best? Through play-based learning that is active rather than passive, engaging rather than distracting, meaningful, socially interactive, and joyful. It’s not just that play is fun (even though it is); these are the conditions the brain is built to learn in. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek explains the science and shows what it looks like in practice.



Do enrichment classes for preschoolers actually help? The research says starting earlier is not better for kids. Kids who are pushed into structured learning young are not more likely to be strong readers or high performers later. The episode explains what the data actually shows - and what parents can do instead that costs nothing.



Why is play important in early childhood learning? Because the characteristics of play - active, engaged, meaningful, social, joyful - are the same conditions under which human brains learn best at any age. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek explains why stripping play out of early childhood doesn't accelerate learning. It undermines it.


What you'll learn in this episode

The six characteristics of playful learning and why each one connects to how the brain actually builds knowledge
The difference between free play, guided play, and direct instruction - and when each one serves kids best
Concrete play-based learning examples from everyday life at home: the kitchen, the laundry room, the backyard
Why the research on high performers shows that early specialization and intensive enrichment rarely produces the outcomes parents are hoping for
What the arrival of AI means for the skills kids actually need to develop - and why those skills come from play, not flashcards
Why downtime is not wasted time, and what it does for the developing brain
The questions Jen asked Dr. Hirsh-Pasek at the end of the conversation - about who research serves and what it leaves out - that don't usually get asked in interviews like this one



Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek’s website:

https://kathyhirshpasek.com/


Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek’s instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/drkathyanddrro


Einstein Never Used Flash Cards:

https://amzn.to/4dubLe0 (Affiliate link)



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Jump to highlights:

02:10 Jen introduces Dr. Hirsh-Pasek and the updated edition of Einstein Never Used Flashcards, written for the age of smartphones, tablets, and AI.

04:13 Why the book was fully rewritten and what parents will find in it.

08:17 What's happening in schools and why decades of "get the scores up" efforts haven't worked.

09:25 The six characteristics of learning that support: active, engaging, meaningful, socially interactive, multi-modal, and joyful. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek describes what this looks like in a real kindergarten classroom studying weather.

14:02 How playful learning shows up at home - in the kitchen (measuring, counting, estimating), the laundry room (sorting, classifying, folding), and on a trip to Sydney, where two kids spent two hours drawing the Opera House.

17:06 The gap between what parents say they want (happy kids) and how they're actually spending time and money. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek connects downtime and unstructured exploration to the brain's default mode network - the part that builds creativity.

20:24 Research on people who reached the highest levels of performance in sport and the arts: they didn't specialize early. They meandered and explored.

20:45 Jen asks Dr. Hirsh-Pasek about the relationship between research and culture - how research doesn't just reflect ideas about childhood, it shapes them.

24:11 A look back at Becoming Brilliant and the six C's: Collaborate, Communicate, Content, Critical Thinking, Creative Innovation, and Confidence to try, fail, and keep going. Why do these matter more than ever in an AI world?

26:11 Where to find Dr. Hirsh-Pasek and her work.

26:53 Jen's closing thoughts - including a note that some content in the book raised questions she couldn't fully explore in this conversation, and an open invitation to join Parenting Membership.

If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, stimulant medication is probably the first thing their doctor mentioned. And if you're trying to figure out whether it's the right choice for your family, you deserve more than a pamphlet published by a drug company. You deserve the full picture - including what the research really shows, who funded it, and the questions the medical model of ADHD hasn't answered.



The story most parents get is a tidy one: ADHD is a chronic brain disorder, it's highly heritable, and stimulant medication is the most effective treatment. That story comes mostly from one very influential researcher, Dr. Russell Barkley, and it has shaped how millions of families make medication decisions. 



But when you look closely, cracks start to appear - in the diagnostic criteria, in the science, and in the financial ties between the researchers who built the medical model and the pharmaceutical companies that profit from it.


Questions this episode will answer

What are the DSM-5 criteria for diagnosing ADHD? The DSM-5 requires children to show at least 6 symptoms (5 for adults) that appear "often" across multiple settings. But who decides how often is "often" - and whether a behavior is "inappropriate" - turns out to be deeply shaped by cultural values, not objective measurement.



Why are ADHD diagnoses increasing? Research shows that school accountability policies like No Child Left Behind drove significant increases in ADHD diagnoses, particularly among low-income children. In some states, diagnosing a child with ADHD could raise a school's average test scores - creating a financial incentive that had nothing to do with the child's actual needs.



What is Russell Barkley's theory of ADHD? Barkley sees ADHD as a chronic, highly heritable brain disorder rooted in deficits in executive functioning. He compares it to diabetes: a lifelong condition requiring ongoing treatment, primarily with stimulant medication. This episode examines both his framework and the places where his own research contradicts itself.



Is ADHD overdiagnosed? The evidence suggests yes, in many cases. Diagnosis rates vary by a factor of two to three across U.S. states when there aren’t consistent biological or cultural differences between these states. Many children receive a diagnosis after a 15-minute pediatric visit, not the thorough multi-source evaluation the research actually recommends.



Is ADHD neurodivergent? Yes - and that framing shapes how a child with ADHD gets supported. The medical model treats ADHD as a brain disorder: something broken that medication needs to fix. A neuroaffirming approach treats it as a difference - and asks whether the environment, not just the child, needs to change. The diagnostic criteria themselves embed specific cultural values about what counts as "appropriate" behavior. Whether your child gets treated as disordered or different depends entirely on which framework their clinician is working from.



What is actually happening in an ADHD brain? Barkley frames ADHD as a deficit in executive functioning - the brain systems that regulate attention, impulse control, and behavior over time. But the research on whether stimulant medication repairs that brain development is contradictory, and Barkley himself makes both claims in different videos.



What are the benefits of ADHD medication? Stimulant medication does improve attention and reduce motor activity in the short term - but it does this in everyone's brain, not just in people with ADHD. This episode looks at what medication actually does, what it doesn't do, and what the drug company advertising left out.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why the word "often" in every single DSM-5 ADHD criterion creates a diagnosis that depends heavily on who is observing the child - and what cultural standards they're applying
How the same behaviors in children in Hong Kong were rated far more severely than those of children in the U.K., and what that tells us about what ADHD is actually measuring
The financial relationships between the most influential ADHD researchers - including Barkley and Dr. Joseph Biederman - and the pharmaceutical companies that make ADHD medications
Why ADHD diagnosis rates in states like North Carolina and Ohio run two to three times higher than in California and Nevada, and what school accountability policies have to do with it
The contradiction at the heart of Barkley's medical model: if stimulant medication promotes brain development, why does he say it must be taken for life?
How drug company ads used Barkley's and Biederman's research to frighten parents into medicating their children - and the FDA’s ineffective response
Why the scary outcome statistics Barkley cites - including a reduced life expectancy of up to 13 years - don’t tell us much about outcomes for real people with ADHD
What a neuroaffirming approach to ADHD looks like, and why this episode argues that the most important question isn't how to change the child to fit the environment - it's whether the environment fits the child




Click here to download the infographic: What You've Been Told About ADHD vs. What the Research Actually Shows



Jump to highlights:

01:14 Jen introduces a three-episode arc examining the medical model of ADHD, which positions it as a chronic, highly heritable brain disorder. This first episode covers what ADHD is according to leading researcher Dr. Russell Barkley, how it's diagnosed, problems with diagnosis, and financial conflicts of interest.

06:37 Kids need six out of nine symptoms, adults need five. Each symptom must occur "often" - but there's no objective measure for what "often" means.

10:10 Dr. Barkley sees ADHD as a deficit in executive functioning - the ability to self-regulate over time. It breaks down into inhibition (hyperactive-impulsive behavior) and metacognition (inattention symptoms, which he says are misnamed).

12:37 Dr. Barkley compares ADHD to diabetes, saying it's a chronic condition needing ongoing treatment. Just like you wouldn't expect insulin to cure diabetes, he argues, you shouldn't expect ADHD medication to fix someone's brain so they can stop taking it.

23:30 Barkley says parents might have legitimate reasons for "non-compliance" with training, like family stress. Training may be discontinued while stress is managed. But kids who don't comply get behavior modification - no understanding or flexibility for them.

30:45 Barkley has essentially created a new diagnostic category called Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (marked by daydreaming, lethargy, slowed thinking) even though it's never been recognized by the Psychiatric Association.

35:44 Barkley presents data showing males with ADHD have a life expectancy 6.8 years less than the general population, females 8.6 years less. That's on par with smoking. Outcomes include lower education and income, more substance use, higher suicide rates (three times higher), more accidents, higher obesity and diabetes rates, and higher cardiovascular disease.

43:01 Wrapping up the discussion

If your child holds it together all day at preschool or daycare and then completely unravels the moment they get home - melting down over dinner, refusing to use the potty, making every transition a battle - you're watching afterschool restraint collapse in action. It's exhausting. And it can bring up some painful feelings for parents too, including wondering whether your presence is making things harder, not easier.



In this coaching call I worked with Kathleen, parent of a three-year-old who just started full-time preschool. By the end of every day, her daughter is struggling with dinner, potty time, bath, and bedtime - and Kathleen can't figure out whether to offer more structure or less, more connection or more space. If your child is having a hard time in the evenings and you don’t know how to help, this episode is for you.


Questions This Episode Will Answer

What are the symptoms of afterschool restraint collapse? After a full day of holding it together in a structured environment, many kids hit a wall when they get home. You might see meltdowns over small things, refusal to eat, resistance to transitions like bath or bedtime, or a child who seems to want you desperately but also can't settle when you're there.



Why do some kids struggle with transitions at the end of the day? When a child's capacity is low - from tiredness, hunger, or being away from you all day - even simple transitions take more than they have left. It’s similar to how we might be a little more ‘snappy’ in the evening when we’re tired than in the morning when we have a bit more capacity.



Why is my 3 year old refusing to eat dinner? For kids in full-time daycare or preschool, the need for connection with a parent can be so strong by dinnertime that eating takes a back seat. Sitting with you matters more than the food on the plate.  And even though the child might be physically capable of feeding themselves, the effort required to coordinate food onto a fork or spoon and into the mouth is just too much for them.



Why is my child resisting bedtime? Bedtime resistance often isn't about sleep. When a child has spent the whole day apart from you, the end of the day becomes a place where unmet needs pile up. Addressing what's underneath the resistance is more effective than trying to manage the behavior itself.



How do I support a child who struggles with transitions? This episode covers a concrete first step that addresses one of the most common unmet needs in young children - and why starting there tends to make a wide range of struggles easier.



What is an example of a child seeking autonomy? When a child insists on choosing "the wrong option" or refuses what you've offered, they may need autonomy - especially if they spend most of their day in an environment where they have very little say. This episode explains the difference between offering choices and providing real autonomy, and why it matters.



How long does afterschool restraint collapse last? It depends on what's driving the restraint collapse - and this episode helps you figure that out. When you address the underlying needs rather than just the surface behavior, many parents find the struggles shift faster than they expected.


What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why full-time daycare or preschool can leave children with almost no capacity left by the end of the day - and how that shows up in their behavior
How afterschool restraint collapse connects to a child's need for connection, and why your presence can make things harder even when your child desperately wants you there
Why mealtime battles, potty training resistance, and bedtime resistance often share the same root cause
What consistent Special Time is, how to build it into a busy evening, and why it functions as a kind of "differential diagnosis" for end-of-day struggles
How to provide real autonomy to a preschooler - including why the choices you're already offering might not be meeting their need at all
What play schemas are, and how knowing your child's schema can make it easier to keep both kids occupied when you only have two hands
How to talk about feelings and needs with a child who won't engage when they’re already feeling overwhelmed




If this episode resonated - especially the part about evenings seeming relentless no matter what you try - the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits live workshop will help you.



A big part of what makes end-of-day struggles so draining is that kids who have spent all day in environments with little say over what happens come home with almost nothing left for the limits we set. 



This workshop helps you figure out which limits are truly necessary, which ones can soften or disappear, and how to hold the ones that matter in a way your child's nervous system can actually work with.



You get eight short lessons delivered by email over eight days, plus three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations and get support.



If you're ready to stop repeating yourself and start holding fewer, clearer limits that your child can actually live with, come join us.



Click the banner to sign up.







Jump to highlights:

01:36 Introduction to today’s episode.

03:18 An open invitation to join the free Beyond the Behavior coaching call.

08:04 Full-time preschool can be really tiring for kids because their capacity is super low at the end of the day. Plus, she's spending much less time with mom than before, so connection is more important now.

09:15 Jen explains that special time addresses a core need for young kids so effectively. When you consistently meet the need for connection, many other struggles get easier.

09:58 Some kids want an immediate connection after school; others need mental space first.

14:20 The more you talk in feelings-and-needs language, the more your kid will start identifying their own needs.

16:12 A schema is a repeated pattern of play. When you propose an activity based on the child's schema, they're going to be excited about it because you're seeing what they're really interested in and giving them a chance to do the thing they love.

19:11 The main insight of the episode.

If your morning routine for preschool looks less like a smooth routine and more like 21 rounds of "no", "stop", and "not like that" before 8 am, then things aren’t working well for either of you.



In this episode, we walk through one ordinary preschool morning minute by minute, from the cereal bowl to the car seat buckle.



We also learn how to move from: "how do I get my child to cooperate" to: what is going on inside my child's body right now, and what are they trying to communicate through the flopping, dawdling, silliness, and defiance?



Because when you understand that, you can find strategies that meet both of your needs.


Questions This Episode Will Answer

Why is my child so difficult in the morning? Preschoolers live almost entirely in the present moment and learn through movement and touch. When a morning is filled with a steady stream of corrections, their nervous system experiences it as "everything I do is wrong" - and the silliness, defiance, or shutdown you see is their body's response to that overload.



Why is my child grumpy in the morning? It's often less about the time of day and more about the cumulative weight of limits. When children experience correction after correction with little room for exploration or connection, grumpiness and shutdown are common signals that their needs aren't being met.



Why do kids dilly-dally and dawdle in the morning? What looks like dawdling is often a child following genuine curiosity, moving their body the way it wants to go, or trying to connect with you before the day pulls you apart.



What is meant by "behavior is communication"? Preschoolers don't yet have the words to say "this is too much for me" or "I need to feel close to you right now". So they show you with their bodies. Finger-stirring cereal, flopping on the floor, asking to be carried - each of these is a message, if you know how to listen for it. When you understand that message you can help them meet their need - which also meets your needs for peace, ease, and order.



Is misbehavior an unmet need? Often, yes. When you look beneath challenging behaviors in young children, you frequently find unmet needs for things like autonomy, movement, connection, or play. The behavior is a signal pointing you toward what your child actually needs. If you want to find out your child’s biggest need (and easy, actionable strategies to meet it that make your life easier), take this free quiz.



What are some reasons children misbehave? In early childhood, most challenging behavior traces back to a mismatch between a child's developmental capacity and what's being asked of them, combined with needs they’re trying to meet in ways you’re finding irritating.



Preschoolers aren't misbehaving to make your life harder. They don’t know how else to meet their needs.


What You'll Learn in This Episode

How to walk through a typical preschool morning routine and see it through your child's eyes, moment by moment
What your child's most frustrating behaviors (flopping, dawdling, silliness, defiance) are often communicating about their needs
Why the total number of corrections across a morning matters as much as any single limit you set
What your needs are in the morning routine, and why they are just as valid as your child's needs
How it’s possible to meet your needs AND your child’s needs
How to start moving toward fewer, clearer limits that your preschooler's nervous system can actually work with
What the research on parent-child interaction patterns tells us about where repeated correction leads over time
How parents who grew up in homes with heavy compliance expectations describe the long-term effects on themselves and their own parenting


To help you put the ideas from this episode into practice, I've created a free worksheet: Your Difficult Morning Audit. You'll count your corrections, sort them, and start to see which limits are truly necessary - and which ones are habit.



Get The Morning Audit Worksheet For Free



If you thought "that's my kid" or "that's our mornings" - the Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop is for you.



Learn how to see how many limits you're actually setting, sort them into what's truly necessary and what can soften or disappear, and practice holding fewer, clearer limits in a way your child's nervous system can actually handle.



You get short focused modules, three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations, and a community of parents working through the same things.



If you're ready to move from correction-heavy mornings to fewer, truer limits your preschooler can actually live with, come join us in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.



Click the banner to learn more.







Jump to highlights:

01:27 Introduction to today’s episode

05:48 The behavior isn't defiance - it's communication about their needs.

08:21 Young children live in the present moment and learn through movement and repetition rather than explanations.

10:45 You're not the villain for wanting things to go smoothly. Getting out the door, you need to meet your responsibility to co-workers while staying connected to your kid.

13:58 Your child needs connection, autonomy, movement, exploration, play, and fun. You need ease, harmony, collaboration, and responsibility to others.

16:45 The Gottman research on couples suggests we need about five positive interactions for every negative one to stay connected.

18:43 As a young child, Crystal learned to read the room constantly. As a teenager, she rebelled hard and ended up heavily involved in drugs and alcohol.

30:38 Wrapping up the discussion.

31:40 An open invitation to Setting Loving (&Effective) Limits workshop.

If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work.

In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble. 

We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs.  Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them.




Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic



Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is sibling fighting normal? 

Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you.



What causes siblings to fight so much? 

The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include:
Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)
To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their sibling
To play!  A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”




What are the most common triggers for sibling fights? 

Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting.



Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves? 

Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less.

Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road.



How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other? 

Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do.  You can do this by:
Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoys
Understanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challenges
Teaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.




How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight? 

When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them.



How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight? 

You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight.



How do you get siblings to stop tattling? 

Tattling usually happens when a child wants a parent to take their side. When kids learn to identify what they need in a conflict and how to ask for it directly, the motivation to tattle drops - because they have a more effective way to get their needs met.


What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why sibling fighting is often a bid for connection - and why that reframe matters for how you respond
Why one child hitting another can actually be an attempt to play, not a sign of aggression
What it means to make a "bid for connection", and how to help both the child making the bid and the one receiving it
Why stepping back and letting kids handle conflict themselves can backfire - and what needs to be in place before that becomes a realistic option
How to use feelings and needs language as a conflict resolution tool - and why starting with low-stakes moments between you and your child (not between the kids) is the most effective first step
Why special one-on-one time with each child plays a bigger role in sibling conflict than most parents realize
How to work with kids who shut down and won't talk - including non-verbal ways to stay connected in a hard moment
A practical way to help even young children start solving conflicts together - including a real example of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old doing exactly that within weeks of their parents starting this approach




Jump to highlights:

01:48 Introduction to today’s episode

03:42 Parent Stacey shares the situation wherein her 12-year-old and 7-year-old are constantly fighting, poking, and teasing. Both kids have admitted to lying about what happened because they want to get each other in trouble.

06:03 Conflicts often start over objects, but attention, specifically connection, is the real driver behind much of the fighting.

06:39 Jen explains how we can shift from the negative connotation of "attention-seeking" to understanding it as kids looking for connection with each other and with parents.

10:58 Jen helps Stacey think about when one-on-one time could happen, like during drives to sports practice, and how to balance everyone's needs, including the parents' needs for rest and couple time.

12:45 What's missing is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in their interactions.

17:43 Kids try to meet the same needs over and over. Connection and autonomy are almost always in the top three.

20:13 Wrapping up.

20:33 An open invitation to join the next Beyond the Behavior call.

20:40 An open invitation to the flash sale on one-on-one coaching until April 5.